November 30, 2014

A Fear and A Surprise

The Fear

Remember how I conquered those two fears last post? Well, I think I am ready to divulge the second fear. Although, that may be conquering a fear in and of itself. (Lots of fear facing lately... you can call me Warrior Mama!)

So... about that.

I went to therapy. Yes, it's true. Is it totally ridiculous that therapy is a fear of mine? It is, isn't it. Oh well. It's true. I have issues. (Don't we all.) I have big Postpartum Depression issues. But it was time to confront them. I may or may not have had full fledged panic attacks following those first few sessions. But hey! Here we are, fear conquered. Well, almost.

To anyone reading this post (and really, anyone) PPD is a hard and horrible experience. It has stripped me of the last year of my life and some of what should have been my most tender memories. And I am angry about it. (Anger. Another PPD manifestation.)

A few months ago I was doing some light reading on... well... major emotional disorders. You know, just self diagnosing. (Come now, don't judge, we all do it.) Did you know that PTSD and PPD sound eerily similar in print. I read all the major symptoms and just knew I had PTSD, but from what? Having a baby (or two)? Having a loving and supportive family? Becoming a mother like I always wanted? Soldiers come home from devastating experiences. I just woke up one morning and didn't recognize who I was anymore. I didn't even recognize my own body. (Granted, it had changed... a lot.) My thought processes and emotional reactions seemed foreign.

Now, why am I putting this out to the world? I'm not even sure, except that I know that PPD has robbed more than just me. And I know it is an intensely isolating experience. So maybe, if just one person out in that big cyber-world reads this and realizes they aren't alone and that there is help it will be worth all of the discomfort admitting this to unseen faces. (I'm a rather private person, ironically.)

The Surprise

I accomplished another goal. A little bit unintentionally. Surprise!

#15: Love some someone that I really don't like.

Want to know who it is? Me. I realized after one of those catastrophic therapy sessions that I really didn't like me. A serious bummer. But I also realized, that I was taking steps to learn to like myself and (dramatic pause) it was working!

You know those moments where you feel like you just had a giant sized brick drop on your head, which in turn causes your perspective to change, which altogether gives you a grand "Ah-ha" moment. (my apologies for the run-on sentence) It was one of those.

I didn't like myself, but that is ok. I'm going to learn to love myself, anyway. And I sorta, kinda like the fact that my own goals caught me unaware.

More on this later. It is a lot to think about, after all.

1 comment:

Patty said...

I think you're very brave for confronting your fears, rather than just staying in your comfort zone. I'm partway through a book called "Feel the Fear..and Do It Anyway"- I think you'd like it. (It came highly recommended by Maura Prince.)
I think it's interesting how we often are introduced to things that connect with something that we're facing while we're in the midst of it, and I find that often happens with book recommendations, blog posts, comments from friends, etc. (Like reading your post today!)
Please know that you're not alone. And you are an amazing and beautiful woman, inside and out.