A Fear and A Surprise

The Fear

Remember how I conquered those two fears last post? Well, I think I am ready to divulge the second fear. Although, that may be conquering a fear in and of itself. (Lots of fear facing lately... you can call me Warrior Mama!)

So... about that.

I went to therapy. Yes, it's true. Is it totally ridiculous that therapy is a fear of mine? It is, isn't it. Oh well. It's true. I have issues. (Don't we all.) I have big Postpartum Depression issues. But it was time to confront them. I may or may not have had full fledged panic attacks following those first few sessions. But hey! Here we are, fear conquered. Well, almost.

To anyone reading this post (and really, anyone) PPD is a hard and horrible experience. It has stripped me of the last year of my life and some of what should have been my most tender memories. And I am angry about it. (Anger. Another PPD manifestation.)

A few months ago I was doing some light reading on... well... major emotional disorders. You know, just self diagnosing. (Come now, don't judge, we all do it.) Did you know that PTSD and PPD sound eerily similar in print. I read all the major symptoms and just knew I had PTSD, but from what? Having a baby (or two)? Having a loving and supportive family? Becoming a mother like I always wanted? Soldiers come home from devastating experiences. I just woke up one morning and didn't recognize who I was anymore. I didn't even recognize my own body. (Granted, it had changed... a lot.) My thought processes and emotional reactions seemed foreign.

Now, why am I putting this out to the world? I'm not even sure, except that I know that PPD has robbed more than just me. And I know it is an intensely isolating experience. So maybe, if just one person out in that big cyber-world reads this and realizes they aren't alone and that there is help it will be worth all of the discomfort admitting this to unseen faces. (I'm a rather private person, ironically.)

The Surprise

I accomplished another goal. A little bit unintentionally. Surprise!

#15: Love some someone that I really don't like.

Want to know who it is? Me. I realized after one of those catastrophic therapy sessions that I really didn't like me. A serious bummer. But I also realized, that I was taking steps to learn to like myself and (dramatic pause) it was working!

You know those moments where you feel like you just had a giant sized brick drop on your head, which in turn causes your perspective to change, which altogether gives you a grand "Ah-ha" moment. (my apologies for the run-on sentence) It was one of those.

I didn't like myself, but that is ok. I'm going to learn to love myself, anyway. And I sorta, kinda like the fact that my own goals caught me unaware.

More on this later. It is a lot to think about, after all.

Goal #71

Goal #71: Say "I love you" everyday for a year

Check... plus some. 

Happy 1st Anniversary 

to my very Hunky Husband!

It has been a wonderful 365 days! 

And with the exception of a few days that we were out of communication we nailed this goal on the head... without even trying. Amazing what happens when you are madly in love with someone. ;)

Last year I posted this online a few days before our wedding....

(I'm posting here for my records sake)

I LOVE this man! I am so excited to marry him in 3 days! He is one of the greatest blessings in my life. He is my better half. His wisdom and quiet confidence is a great strength to me. We talk openly and honestly with each other. We laugh... about everything. I love that he patiently waits for me to figure out I am wrong, especially because I think I'm always right. Just spending time with him somehow lightens my load. He is a good man, one of the best, and I get to marry him.

A year later I feel the same way.

I couldn't be more excited for the next 365+ days!

Goal #29

Goal #29: Snowboard Confidently

This season, I decided "confidently" is a very subjective experience. While riding in the midst of my great snowboarding mentors it was a little more difficult to be confident. However, teaching my sister, husband, and brother-in-law all in the same day, I'll admit, greatly improved my confidence.

That sweet little face on the left was scared stiff. (She'd kill me if she knew I was putting this on here.) Let it be known... she rocked it by the end of the day.

In case I wasn't already baby hungry...

Goal #81: Develop my photography portfolio

So I'm finally getting my act together and I've started taking pictures again. On the down side... I am way out of practice. On the up side... I got to hang out with this sweetheart this afternoon. 

Oh my goodness... melt my heart.

(still rough edits... don't judge to harshly)

 

I need a baby.

Goal #25

Goal #25: Teach

I love to teach.

I'm not exactly sure why. It might be because I have a lot to say and teaching gives me the opportunity to be heard. he he. It might be because I am a Type A Personality and like to be in charge (just ask my siblings). It might be because I like to learn and we often do when we teach.

Anyway... I came across this photo a couple weeks ago...

which reminded me of my goal.

In 2006, during my studies at BYU Idaho, I was offered a job teaching a Leadership Practicum Course. I jumped at the opportunity. Not only did I get to teach, but I got to teach one of my favorite topics! Yes, Please! During the semester I was assigned 22 students and the challenge to teach basic leadership skills. It was so fun! And I think I also figured out why I like teaching. 

I love people.

I love getting to know people: their likes, dislikes, interests, hobbies, what inspires them, what discourages them, their hopes, their challenges, etc. 

I love teaching because I get to know people.

Even better is that 6 years later I am still friends with many of them. I have been influenced by them countless times. And now, I get to observe what they have done and will do with their lives (since they are all little leaders now... haha).

I should try and say something profound... but the point of this is simply to say that I enjoy teaching and hope for many opportunities down the road.

The end.

Goal #12

Goal #12: Do My Genealogy

I love family history. There is something truly satisfying to know where you come from... who you are. Every once in awhile I get this genealogy itch knowing I need to do more.

However, I have found a similar activity that is almost as fulfilling.

I LOVE Indexing.

I started years ago and try to do some as often as I can.

I think this is an outlet for my inner-history-nerd. I am fascinated with names and dates and stories. I love indexing census' and wondering what each family was like and what their experiences were. Birth, Marriage, Death certificates. They all have stories. Most have been forgotten.

Speaking of forgotten stories...I just learned my Great Great Grandfather was a drunk and sold off all of his children. Yeah... not sure how I feel about that one yet. 

So... while I'm not completely fulfilling my goal yet... 

I am enjoying imagining other forgotten stories of the past. 

Goal #19

Goal #19: Learn to Sew

Ok.

I'm going to do it. 

I have my sewing machine out.

My mother stocked me up on thread and fabric.

Grandma treated me to a beginner quilting book.

I'm in desperate need of a hobby.

I'm going to do it.

I'm committing.

That's all.

Goal #69: Redemption

In case you forgot... 

Goal #69: Learn to cook

SUCCESS!

Wife tested... Husband Approved.

PS...The sole purpose of this post is to redeem myself.

PPS... Best {and easiest} Recipe EVER

Light Chicken Parmesan

4 chicken breasts, thawed and pounded

Mix: 

1/2 cup Parmesan Cheese

1/4 cup Sour Cream

1 tsp Basil

1 tsp Sun-dried tomatoes (my addition)

Broil Chicken 5-7 minutes on each side. When completely broiled add parmesan-sour cream mixutre on top. Broil for another 1-2 minutes. Serve hot and enjoy!

Goal #69: Bad Start

Goal #69: Learn to cook

I really didn't think I was this bad.

Sunday Dinner #1: FAIL

Photo Class with Brittany

This week I taught Brittany the 6 Rules of Composition for Photography. She did pretty well, if I do say so myself.

Brittany's:

 Simplicity

 Lines

Rule of Thirds

Color
*How fabulous would it be to have a bright blue water meter.

Texture

 Framing

We aren't sure what this is... 

but we liked it.

Carlee's:

Simplicity

Color

Lines 

 Texture

Rule of Thirds

Framing

Let's see. I think this qualifies as...
 Goal #73: Do Something Special with my Siblings
and
67. Help children develop their talents
and
Goal #81: Create a Photography Portfolio
and
Just plain fun.

Study: To Live

Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drowned your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.         [Steve Jobs]

This thought hits a chord in my heart. Here is my problem...

I have fear. A lot of it.

I'm afraid of everything. What people think. What if the house burns down. What am I going to do with my life (now... "our" life). I can't go snorkeling... I'll get eaten by a shark. I can't go float down the river... I'll drown. (this tends to happens with water)

Did you know that fear is a learned behavior. It's true. (Here comes my psychology self...) We are conditioned to fear things. Little Albert anyone? 

But I've been asking myself lately...

Is fear worth it?

I decided its not.

It's not productive. It isn't efficient. It doesn't accomplish anything but ulcers. It wastes time, energy, and emotional construct.

Life IS for living. 

Life IS NOT for worrying about everything.

I've discovered an even greater appreciation for optimism. Sometimes it can be difficult to muster, but it conquers fear in a split second. I am in love with the observation made in "We Bought a Zoo"...

The word "COURAGE" is my life mantra. It has been for years. And honestly, I love it. I love being reminded that we have one life to live. Sometimes I need the reminder to do those crazy, out of the ordinary, spontaneous, memory-making experiences. Our every-day lives need those.

So here is my little blog post to myself as a reminder. I can do hard things. I can have courage. I will cultivate optimism... and I will enjoy what life has to offer. 

Goal #1: Complete

I told him that I would engrave...

"Now you are stuck forever" 

...on his ring. 

He just laughed.

I am a lucky girl.

My insides...

are turning inside out with excitement!

3 DAYS!

Goal #17

Goal #17: Learn to Arrange Flowers

Love this one! That could easily be because I LOVE flowers.

My dear friend, Shalyn, asked Natalie and I to work with Tessa on her wedding flowers. Neither of us knew anything about flower arranging but Tessa was a great teacher. Shalyn's flowers were simple but BEAUTIFUL! And I learned how to make a bomb boutonniere!

Me, Natalie, and Tessa

Don't mind the disaster of a photo of me. It had been a long day. But the flowers were beautiful!

Love is in the air...

I was looking through my goals today and realized Nathanael has been helping along with some of them...and I didn't even realize it. ha ha.

Goal #94: Try fish/seafood

Although I totally don't appreciate his help in this department. ugh. He did make me try a bite of his salmon at Sundance. It was disgusting. But at least I tried... again. Now I'm good for another 5 years or so. Regardless, Nathanael always offers a bite when he orders it.

Goal #95: Find a way to support the troops

I might as well start with one...

I'm trying to do that by not complaining when he does his job.... particularly when it means leaving the week before we get married. On the up side... I've always found a guy in uniform attractive. lucky me. :)

Goal #96: Get kissed in the rain. 

Enough said. :)

I love this man. 16 days left!

Goal #1

Goal #1: Get married in the temple...

                                                          .... that is the plan!

Who?

My best friend

What?

Marriage!

When?

Where?

Timpanogos Temple 

Why?

How do you say no to this? :D

The Best Birthday EVER!

I'll admit... I was NOT (and still am kind of not)

excited about turning 25.

25 is when you are supposed to know what you are doing with your life and you are already well on your way there. Well... supposedly. I have yet to experience that. That may be why I was dreading 25. Plus, a little fact about my family: we love celebrating birthdays. So you can image my dread even more when I didn't want to turn 25.

But since I have the best family ever they knew how to make it special... and less dreadful. :)

This is what contributed to the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!

Goal #30: Swim with dolphins-CHECK

I have ALWAYS wanted to do this! So when we happened to be in Florida for a family vacation over my birthday we finally took advantage of the opportunity.

What did I learn? That I love these animals just as much as I did when I was 6 and told myself I was going to grow up to be a dolphin trainer. I think I'm addicted. I'm not sure once was enough.

Goal #7: Go skydiving or hangliding-half CHECK

Ok... so this sort of counts as skydiving because... well... it was... just inside a big tube. ha ha. This is definitely going to be a new family favorite activity.

What did I learn? That it is harder than it looks. ha ha. I also decided that I would really like to jump from a plane... I think. If someone pushes me out the door I think I'd be okay after that. :)

I also have to add to my new experiences one really cheesy one: I got to wear a Disney "Happy Birthday" button. First one in my 25 years of Disney experience.

I'm not sure why I was so excited about this... but I do know that being wished Happy Birthday all day by complete strangers was great. See it's not so dreadful afterall.

Happy Birthday to me.

Here is to 25 years of life!

Goal #6

Goal# 6: Attend the temple every week for a year

Well, if I were to be completely honest, it would be 6 weeks short of a year.

I love this image taken by one of the BYUI faculty

When I returned home from my mission in December of 2010 I knew that I wanted to spend more time in the temple. For the first year of my mission I wasn't able to attend because there wasn't a temple in our boundries. Fortunately, the last four months of my mission I was able to go to the Columbus Temple several times. 

When I returned to BYUI that January I  knew that I needed to be going to the temple regularly, esp. since it was literally less than a mile away from my apartment. During an interview I had with my bishop we talked about becoming an ordinance worker. I felt strongly that was exactly what I needed to do.  After an appointment with the Stake Presidency I received a call from the Temple and had an interview with President Thueson of the Rexburg Temple. 

We had a lovely interview and then he set me apart as an Ordinance Worker of the Rexburg Idaho Temple. It felt so peaceful and so right. I knew that was where I needed to be. 

I was put on the Tuesday Evening shift and began that week. At first I thought it would be a struggle to keep up with my schoolwork when I didn't have most of Tuesday afternoon and evening (3:00-9:00ish) to study, but I was pleasantly surprised how easy it was to work around. I looked forward to Tuesday more than any other day.

It worked out that I stayed on that shift from January until December when I graduated from BYUI (I did take a break when I moved home for the month and half break after Spring Semester).

Lessons I learned:

1) First, I loved taking the time once a week to focus on the eternal. This seemed to bring an appropriate balance to my life while I was focusing on school and career choices, etc. It was a constant reminder to focus on my relationships, my gospel understanding, and my love for the Lord. 

2) I loved learning the ordinances and covenants of the temple by heart. This has become a huge blessing over time. I understand now that when we have learned those things well then the Lord will better be able to bring them to our minds and hearts when we need them. 

3) I learned what a joy temple service can be. 

4) I learned to love the people on my shift (although that really wasn't hard). They became a family away from family. I was really the only young single adult sister for most of my time there and the rest of the shift were middle aged and up. I felt like the favorite grandchild to a handful of newly gained grandparents. I felt so much love for and from them. It was a hard good-bye when it was time to leave.

5) I gained a better understanding of how the Lord communicates with me. 

6) I realized the power of peace that can come from temple attendance and keeping temple covenants. That first year home from my mission was a great personal struggle. I was still learning to cope with depression and anxiety and it had taken a downward turn since returning home. The temple became a sanctuary from myself, in a way. There I could take a step back and feel the peace I so desperately would need. 

7) I felt how close we really are to those on the other side of the veil. 

I had so many wonderful experiences from this opportunity. I will always be grateful that I was able to spend so much time at the temple in my youth and that I was able to be tutored by such wonderful people along with the Spirit. I look forward to the time that I will be able to return as a Temple Worker.

Goal #102 Lazyman Triathlon

#102: Complete a triathlon

Well... we sort of... kind of... completed this.

In other words... we actually DID complete 26 miles running, 115 miles biking, and 97 laps swimming (approx 2 miles)...

Our team: Kelsey, me, and Afton

... all in one month!

Thus, the "Lazyman Ironman."

But I still think it counts.

I think we all learned how nice it is to exercise regularly. I developed a new love for cycling. We had some good roommate time. It was great.

One day I'll do this whole thing in one day.