Hope

Depression is a lonely road consumed by darkness and often paralyzed with fear. Like others, I have struggled on my own "long, lonely" road of depression and anxiety. 

And yet, this truth has always rested sweetly on my soul...

"One of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to."

I do not have the words to express my gratitude, but I do have the feelings of my heart that rejoice to know this is true. I know that one day the precious lessons we have learned through our trials will culminate in a perfect understanding. No matter how hard this journey gets I know that I am not alone... ...and that the struggle will be worth it.

Please read the whole talk here.

A Very Merry Christmas

I know I have been horrible at posting. Of course, I have the best excuse in the book. You have two newborns and see how often you post. I digress...

This Holiday has been a unique experience. On one hand, I feel like I haven't had an opportunity to even get into the Christmas spirit. Immense fatigue, unpredictable hormones, and a healing body has inevitably put a few bumps and bruises into my holiday. But on the other hand, I feel that I have never had such a perfect understanding of the true Christmas Spirit.

Becoming a parent has changed my perspective on... well... just about everything. Besides not being able to leave the house without obsessing about my babies well-being to being overly cautious about... well... just about everything. Besides the diapers, spit up, baths, laundry, etc. My world-view has changed. It's rather hard to explain. Unfortunately, I seem to feel the evil and injustice in the world more acutely. However, I also seem to comprehend the power of love, innocence, service, and parenthood (amongst other powerful concepts) more vividly.

I think I might now better understand the love of our Father in Heaven to send his Son to Earth. I can't image giving up my child, but I can't image our lives if Heavenly Father hadn't given up His. Likewise, I can't comprehend the deep pain and suffering Christ experienced when He faced the greatest evils of this world. But I can better comprehend the love that He has for us.

A love I never really understood until now.

To think of this baby, so innocent and pure... like my babies. To think of this little one, so seemingly unprotected. Yet, this tiny baby that was born in a stable and laid in a manger had been tasked with the greatest of callings.

I wish my language, writing and grammar could correctly communicate that thoughts and feelings of my heart.

But just know that now as Christmas approaches I am starting to understand the power and beauty of the birth of Christ just a little bit more.

My favorite holiday carol...

What child is this, who, laid to rest,
On Mary's lap is sleeping?

Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,

While shepherds watch are keeping?
This, this is Christ the King,

Whom shepherds guard and angels sing:

Haste, haste to bring Him laud,

The Baby, the son of Mary.
So bring him incense, gold, and myrrh,
Come, peasant, king, to own him.

The King of kings salvation brings,

Let loving hearts enthrone him.
This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing:

Haste, haste to bring Him laud,

The Baby, the son of Mary.
Raise, raise a song on high,

The virgin sings her lullaby

Joy, joy for Christ is born,

The baby, the Son of Mary.
This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing:

Haste, haste to bring Him laud,

The Baby, the son of Mary.

Goal #6

Goal# 6: Attend the temple every week for a year

Well, if I were to be completely honest, it would be 6 weeks short of a year.

I love this image taken by one of the BYUI faculty

When I returned home from my mission in December of 2010 I knew that I wanted to spend more time in the temple. For the first year of my mission I wasn't able to attend because there wasn't a temple in our boundries. Fortunately, the last four months of my mission I was able to go to the Columbus Temple several times. 

When I returned to BYUI that January I  knew that I needed to be going to the temple regularly, esp. since it was literally less than a mile away from my apartment. During an interview I had with my bishop we talked about becoming an ordinance worker. I felt strongly that was exactly what I needed to do.  After an appointment with the Stake Presidency I received a call from the Temple and had an interview with President Thueson of the Rexburg Temple. 

We had a lovely interview and then he set me apart as an Ordinance Worker of the Rexburg Idaho Temple. It felt so peaceful and so right. I knew that was where I needed to be. 

I was put on the Tuesday Evening shift and began that week. At first I thought it would be a struggle to keep up with my schoolwork when I didn't have most of Tuesday afternoon and evening (3:00-9:00ish) to study, but I was pleasantly surprised how easy it was to work around. I looked forward to Tuesday more than any other day.

It worked out that I stayed on that shift from January until December when I graduated from BYUI (I did take a break when I moved home for the month and half break after Spring Semester).

Lessons I learned:

1) First, I loved taking the time once a week to focus on the eternal. This seemed to bring an appropriate balance to my life while I was focusing on school and career choices, etc. It was a constant reminder to focus on my relationships, my gospel understanding, and my love for the Lord. 

2) I loved learning the ordinances and covenants of the temple by heart. This has become a huge blessing over time. I understand now that when we have learned those things well then the Lord will better be able to bring them to our minds and hearts when we need them. 

3) I learned what a joy temple service can be. 

4) I learned to love the people on my shift (although that really wasn't hard). They became a family away from family. I was really the only young single adult sister for most of my time there and the rest of the shift were middle aged and up. I felt like the favorite grandchild to a handful of newly gained grandparents. I felt so much love for and from them. It was a hard good-bye when it was time to leave.

5) I gained a better understanding of how the Lord communicates with me. 

6) I realized the power of peace that can come from temple attendance and keeping temple covenants. That first year home from my mission was a great personal struggle. I was still learning to cope with depression and anxiety and it had taken a downward turn since returning home. The temple became a sanctuary from myself, in a way. There I could take a step back and feel the peace I so desperately would need. 

7) I felt how close we really are to those on the other side of the veil. 

I had so many wonderful experiences from this opportunity. I will always be grateful that I was able to spend so much time at the temple in my youth and that I was able to be tutored by such wonderful people along with the Spirit. I look forward to the time that I will be able to return as a Temple Worker.

Thanksgiving Tribute #17

This one might be a little silly, but I am grateful for...

Jethro

I've been thinking about him a lot recently. Mostly due to the fact that I'm partially obsessed (is it possible to be partially obsessed?) with the Prince of Egypt. As much as I love the movie I also very much appreciate the man in the Old Testament who represented wisdom, righteous leadership, and the power of the priesthood.

However, I also love the character of Jethro, mostly because of this inspired song:

A single thread in a tapestry

Through its color brightly shine

Can never see its purpose

In the pattern of the grand design

And the stone that sits on the very top

Of the mountain's mighty face

Does it think it's more important

Than the stones that form the base?

So how can you see what your life is worth

Or where your value lies?

You can never see through the eyes of man

You must look at your life

Look at your life through heaven's eyes

Lai-la-lai...

A lake of gold in the desert sand

Is less than a cool fresh spring

And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy

Is greater than the richest king

If a man lose ev'rything he owns

Has he truly lost his worth?

Or is it the beginning

Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man

In wealth or strength or size?

In how much he gained or how much he gave?

The answer will come

The answer will come to him who tries

To look at his life through heaven's eyes

And that's why we share all we have with you

Though there's little to be found

When all you've got is nothing

There's a lot to go around

No life can escape being blown about

By the winds of change and chance

And though you never know all the steps

You must learn to join the dance

You must learn to join the dance

Lai-la-lai...

So how do you judge what a man is worth

By what he builds or buys?

You can never see with your eyes on earth

Look through heaven's eyes

Look at your life

Look at your life

Look at your life through heaven's eyes

Thanksgiving Tribute #1

I have the most amazing friends! Thanks Maps for the idea!

30 People in 30 Days: Thanksgiving Tribute

(Except for I'm already a day behind!)

Although these aren't going to be in any particular order, I would be very ungrateful if I didn't start my month of thanksgiving with thoughts of gratitude toward my Savior, Jesus Christ.

If only I could put into words the depth of feeling I have for Him. I can honestly say, I am who I am today because of Him. I also am where I am today because of Him. He has taken my hand and led me down a path of life I don't know if I would have chosen for myself, nor would I have received the abundant blessings that have come from it.

He has been my friend when I felt terribly and bitterly alone.

He has been my brother to guide and instruct.

He is my Savior, who offers me the greatest gift of returning to a loving Heavenly Father and there enjoy the blessings of eternal family life.

Temples

Why we build them:

Why I love them:

Elder Bednar last conference said:

The Lord declared, “I must gather together my people, . . . that the wheat may be secured in the garners to possess eternal life, and be crowned with celestial glory” (D&C 101:65).
Within the sound of my voice are many young women, young men, and children. I plead with you to be worthy, to be steadfast, and to look forward with great anticipation to the day you will receive the ordinances and blessings of the temple.
Within the sound of my voice are individuals who should have but have not yet received the ordinances of the house of the Lord. Whatever the reason, however long the delay, I invite you to begin making the spiritual preparations so you can receive the blessings available only in the holy temple. Please cast away the things in your life that stand in the way. Please seek after the things that are of eternal consequence.
Within the sound of my voice are individuals who have received the ordinances of the temple and for various reasons have not returned to the house of the Lord in quite some time. Please repent, prepare, and do whatever needs to be done so you can again worship in the temple and more fully remember and honor your sacred covenants.
Within the sound of my voice are many individuals who hold current temple recommends and strive worthily to use them. I commend you for your faithfulness and devotion.
I bear solemn witness that the fire of the covenant will burn in the heart of every faithful member of this Church who shall worship and honorably hold a name and standing in the Lord’s holy house.

Response to 2/25

I was reading this today and thought I would share:

"The Lord gives us a "new heart' (Ezek. 18:31). Our heart has to be broken, in a way, so that it can be re-made. By that I mean more spiritual sensitivity, more empathy, and more capacity to be responsive to people. The natural man's heart is pretty self-centered and hard. If we can put off the natural man (see Mosiah 3:19), we can be given a new heart, and it will be enlarged without hypocrisy (see D&C 121:42). Adversity can squeeze out of us the hypocrisy that's there. [So, for me,] its been a great spritual adventure, one I would not want to have missed."

-Elder Neal A. Maxwell

Isn't he cool! Man... I love that quote!

Current Study: Angels

I can't stop thinking about them: the angels in my life.

I love Elder Holland's description of Adam and Eve's experience of stepping into mortality:

"They knew this telestial world would contain thorns and thistles and troubles of every kind... [And] God knew the challenges they would face, He certainly knew how lonely and troubled they would sometimes feel. So He watched over His mortal family constantly, heard their prayers always, and sent prophets to teach, counsel, and guide them. But in times of special need, He sent angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near."

I can't seem to get that out of my mind. Elder Holland continues, "Seen or unseen they are always near."

They are always near. My heart is full of gratitude for the many tender mercies I've received when I haven't been left "lonely and troubled." I have been sustained by angels, seen and unseen.

"Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind."

It blows my mind the many MANY times a friendly hug, a sincere greeting, a look of concern, a check-up call, a small note, words of encouragement, a quick email, a simple act of kindness, a long talk, an expression of love and hope, or just a simple post on this blog has been a tool of the Lord, and the giver-an angel. I don't have words to express the deep gratitude for the divine help I've received from both sides of the veil.

I add my own witness to Elder Holland's, "I testify of angels, both the heavenly and mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face." I know now I can face challenges to come, both global and personal, both great and small. And even I can act as an emissary for another in need.

"I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left... my Spirit shall be [with you], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." D&C 84:88

You can do it!

"I salute you as kingdom builders and as a generation of destiny.

A whole nation can be leavened by a righteous rising generation... You bright spirits could not have chosen a better time to be born, with more neighbors waiting and needing to be shown the gospel.

I know you have been properly placed because God did it."

-Elder Neal A. Maxwell

BYU Devo "All Hell is Moved"

Mysterious

The Lord works in mysterious ways. He really does. But I guess its not so much the mystery of his works, but that He works.

I've been emailing a friend and was relating a few difficult experiences that have happened recently and I made this observation:

Something I've been contemplating is how sometimes we hit that point where we think we just can't handle life anymore. Yet, the Lord always seems to test our limits further. But when he does, and we realize we can't handle it anymore, we learn that we can find strength in the Lord when we literally have none left. And by doing so prove to God and to ourselves what we are actually capable of.

I'm realizing how true that is. The Lord has a heavy hand in our lives. He is there and he is actively participating in my life! But however true that is I've noticed that sometimes when life is hard it just gets harder. No matter how hard I pray (and work) it just doesn't go away, neither does it get easier for awhile. But I've discovered the Lord does it on purpose. I'm supposed to be learning and becoming something.

And those times that I just can't handle it, when I literally don't have the strength, he does. I find it in him. So when I do push forward and I keep enduring to the end is when I prove to Him and to me that I can do this and I do it with Him.

As my roommate would say, "What a blessing!"

House of the Lord

And I will manifest myself to my people in mercy in this house.

D&C 110:7

Rexburg has had some unusally beautiful sunrises this week. I happened to catch one on my camera and these are a few glimpses of what I saw...

It was incredible.

Remember

"God is weaving his tapestry according to his own grand design. All flesh is in his hands. It is not our prerogative to counsel him. It is our responsiblilty and our opportunity to be at peace in our minds and in our hearts, and to know that he is God, that this is his work, and that he will not permit it to fail."
President Gordon B. Hinckley